Ophelia's back...

...and this time, it's retarded!

Posted byZan at 10:50 AM 0 comments  

Decorating Tips From Ed Gein

I'm trying not to post a lot of comic book covers here, since finding old comics with ridiculous covers is like shooting a barrel that doesn't even have fish in it, but once in a while something amazing like this pops up. Yes, nothing worrisome about Little Susie's hobby here. Whatever you do, don't look in the fridge!

(Via Stupid Comics, where you can find plenty of hilariously bad comic art.)

Posted byZan at 2:04 PM 0 comments  

No Sir, I Don't Like Getting Blown Up

Finally, something everyone can use. (I wouldn't be surprised if someone's written an alternate-history epic involving copious amounts of horse bombs.)

Posted byZan at 11:34 AM 0 comments  

It's okay to loathe leprechauns, though.

I love the disgusted facial expression on those kids. They now loathe leprechauns, exercise, and reading. Thanks a heap, "Magic" O'Grady.

Posted byZan at 3:20 PM 0 comments  

This ain't your grandma's needlepoint! This is MANLY!

Just when I thought celebrity cookbooks couldn't be topped...

Posted byZan at 11:34 AM 0 comments  

Sick of these motherfu...oh, forget it.

Tapping into the vast and lucrative market of "people who like to do puzzle games and pretend they're being menaced by snakes while they solve them."

Posted byZan at 11:35 AM 0 comments  

You have chosen...poorly.

Jack Vance is an important writer of early science fiction. His work inspired the entire magic system of Dungeons & Dragons. And yet, now all I'll ever remember him for is this, which I assume involves battling a bunch of insufferable Wankhers.

Posted byZan at 1:09 PM 0 comments  

Interstellar travel: less fun than previously indicated

This looks thrilling. I can't wait to get to the part where he files for a small business loan...in space! (Original title: Cousin Blobby and Ming The Merciless Go To The Goddamn Bank.)

Posted byZan at 12:50 PM 0 comments  

I'm onto you!

Admit it, Turtledove. You wrote this just so you could commission a painting of a Nazi riding a unicorn.

Posted byZan at 9:12 PM 0 comments  

"What did you say about my manties!?"

Maybe they'd be a little less deadly if you wore pants, Thongbad the Mighty.

Posted byZan at 8:18 PM 0 comments  

Dinner of the Damned

If meat companies wanted to promote their products so badly in the 50s, why did they give out all these books that make meat-eaters look like total psychos? Nobody gets that excited over a roast unless there's something very wrong with them.

Posted byZan at 7:02 PM 0 comments  

Healing broken hearts with wacky wave action

Nurses go on an awful lot of thrilling, sexy adventures in Romance Novel World. I'm pretty sure it's a trick played by the nursing industry to recruit the unsuspecting. You never see "Bedpan Duty Nurse" or "Love Among the Gangrene Cleanup Crew".

Posted byZan at 12:44 PM 0 comments  

Get confident, stupid!

I know, I know. It's not a joke. This is a real book. I'm sure it works wonders.

Posted byZan at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

There's no easy way to break it to them

"Well, if we're so dead, how are we standing here pestering you, smartass? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Posted byZan at 2:11 PM 0 comments  

Luke, the barn!

They look awfully cheerful for people in danger. Maybe they don't realize they're driving off a cliff.

Posted byZan at 12:01 PM 0 comments  

Hepped up on goofballs

A gritty, realistic tale of the horrors of addiction. "Consider THIS an intervention, you dizzy broad!"

Posted byZan at 11:29 AM 0 comments  

A steaming Pyle

The horrifying truth: they could have designed us a much nicer looking book cover, but our pride in being crazy assholes to everyone is more important than such worldly concerns.

I really have to wonder what the F stands for. Nah, I think I know...

Posted byZan at 11:25 AM 0 comments  

A classic

It's my birthday, and that means it's time to reflect and realize an important lesson this book imparts: it could always be worse. Thanks, scary pretend Aunt Jemima!

Posted byZan at 11:43 AM 0 comments  

They're setting D-Con human traps!

I'm not going to lie. I love this cover and would display it proudly in my home if I owned it.

Posted byZan at 1:00 PM 0 comments  

Beware of counterfeits

Hmm. Splintery, flammable, vague foresty scent...yep, I think I've got a piece of wood here, and I owe it all to this invaluable guide.

Posted byZan at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Baby's First Coprophagia

...no thanks.

Posted byZan at 11:07 AM 0 comments  

Something's wrong in Vermont!

The Quaintsville covered bridge holds the horrible secret to what's been drinking all the syrup and shredding everyone's matching sweaters!

Posted byZan at 10:25 AM 0 comments  

So scary it blows.

One of my favorite cover subjects is horror books about completely un-scary things. Grrr! Those curtains'll teach you to call them ugly and claim they clash with the wallpaper!

Posted byZan at 11:27 AM 0 comments  

Other hand colors aren't as scary

The shadowy figure skulked out of the darkness, and an unearthly chill went through the room. Lady Ebonyheart Ravensblood turned around in shock, dropping her cursed amulet on the floor. Her face twisted into a grimace of disgust. "Steve, take those stupid red mittens off. I don't care how cold it is. You're seriously ruining the atmosphere here."

Posted byZan at 11:11 AM 0 comments  

Just more to caress your codpiece with

I think I may have found the greatest romance novel of all time. Why? Count the princess's hands.

Posted byZan at 11:32 AM 0 comments  

Just what I always wanted.

*crunch* Ow! Who put these goddamn rhinestones in the spaghetti!?

Posted byZan at 10:21 AM 0 comments  

It came from behind the shed

This is what happens when you leave plywood unattended for too long. It takes on other forms.

Posted byZan at 11:35 AM 0 comments  

That makes me a MAD panda

Of course that panda's pissed off, you shipped him to Canada just so you could shoot him in your own backyard! You're both evil and lazy, Gord.

Posted byZan at 3:27 PM 0 comments  

On breaking it to your kids that their dad is totally lame

"Well, Jenny, it's because it's used for...uhm...internet...something. You know what, I don't know either, and it's probably boring anyway. Just don't touch it, because that large heavy thing that I don't know the purpose of is expensive as hell."

Posted byZan at 2:21 PM 0 comments  

Striking a careful balance

"A million Fausts? Nah, not quite enough. A billion? Hmm, I don't want anyone thinking I'm wussing out here. A HUNDRED TRILLION? ...no, that's just silly."

Posted byZan at 12:20 PM 0 comments  

Oh, I'm sure it's a LOT more.

Warlock Lord Abraxxas Sexington carefully prepared for his dark magic ritual, making sure all the reagents were in place. Mandrake root, check. Basilisk eyes, check. Store brand cologne and Hawaiian Tropic man-chest oil, check and mate.

Posted byZan at 12:14 PM 0 comments  

A million beautiful possibilities

How about throw it in the ocean?

Posted byZan at 9:36 AM 0 comments  

A little mascara oughta fix that faulty heart valve

Sure, she's killed several patients due to gross incompetence. But she's so pretty!

Posted byZan at 11:40 AM 0 comments  

I just want to start a fire in your butt

This sounds more like a Chiller Channel Original Movie than an erotic novel. He lurks in the shadows outside the University For Totally Hot Chicks Who Study, Like, Science and Stuff. Just when they think it's safe to sit down, the THONGBURNER strikes!

Posted byZan at 10:59 AM 0 comments  

Billy Cattington always suspected he was different

Shhh. Don't tell him...he's adopted.

Posted byZan at 11:40 AM 0 comments  

If you get stuck in the brimstone, hit the spacebar

Hell is a low-budget video game from 1996.

Posted byZan at 11:13 AM 0 comments  

It's a diet miracle! ...I think.

I assume the plan consists of soaking all your food in the bizarre swirly mustard/poison concoction in the gravy boat. "That's disgusting. I'm not eating that shit!" There! You cut a lot of calories!

Posted byZan at 5:29 PM 0 comments  

My Bitchin' Pecs Will Teach You To Code

I feel bad for every unfortunate 80s student who had to buy this for a programming course. "No, it's a textbook! Really! Jesus, I hate my professor."

Posted byZan at 12:12 PM 0 comments  

That's as crazy as her patients!

I can believe ghosts physically manifesting from psychological unrest. Interdimensional space travel, sure. But a woman doctor!? Ridiculous!

Posted byZan at 1:48 PM 0 comments  

...but none of it is anything you'd want to read

Wow, this book looks incredibly exciting! I can't wait to...ZzzzzZZZzzz

Posted byZan at 12:28 PM 0 comments  

From the author of Spectral Sparrows

Terror in the pasture! SEE animals with tiny little bites on them! THRILL to the amazing hero weasel armed with his wee wooden stakes! BEWARE...no small-to-medium size vermin is safe from...VAMPIRE VOLES!

Posted byZan at 12:25 PM 0 comments  

Take off, Nazi scum!

This rare treasure of a novel tells the rip-roaring story of the McKenzie brothers and their loyal dog Hosehead fighting the Nazis, who apparently took that "Great White North" thing a bit too literally.

Posted byZan at 11:31 AM 0 comments  

But that middle-aged white guy says I'm cool!

This guy certainly looks like an expert on being awesome. Look at those stylin' clothes his young disciples are wearing! I would definitely let him give me awesomeness tips. I wouldn't pay him, though.

Posted byZan at 2:22 PM 0 comments  

The American Publisher's Stockpile of Descriptors

My favorite thing about Harlequin books is that the titles are so great you're never tempted to actually read the crap inside because it'd just be a big letdown.

Posted byZan at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

He's #1

With a name like "P-1", I'm sure it was absolutely hellish.

Posted byZan at 11:20 AM 0 comments  

A Punderful Fantasy World

If there isn't at least one "horse's ass" joke in this, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Posted byZan at 12:03 PM 0 comments  

Follow That Stench!

Meat: it's like dog food for men! This was published by the American Can Company, which I'm sure is a fair and impartial source of info on the wonders of canned meat.

Posted byZan at 11:10 AM 0 comments  

Happy Friday the 13th Part II!

Pfft. That's not scary. Every house in Maine has a doll like this in it. You get used to it pretty quick.

Posted byZan at 1:20 PM 0 comments  

Hosin' Around

"Why, what a lovely and unusual quilt you've made, Muriel. I've never seen one quite like it. What's that fabric?"

"Used pantyhose!"

"...You know, I just forgot, I need to sort all my Franklin Mint plates. I'd better get going."

Posted byZan at 2:25 PM 0 comments  

Not so fluffy now, is it?

This is Mr. Wibbles. He is a 5-time grand champion Persian cat, and his hobbies include loafing on the sunny spot on the floor and chasing the ball with the bell in it. Do not piss him off.

Posted byZan at 12:00 PM 0 comments